I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
You made out with two different species that night
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
