the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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