He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
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