dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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