I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
