i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Randomize
