im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
Randomize