Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
I'm like, not good at living.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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