So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
You need Xanax blowdarts
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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