She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
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