you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
