my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
i don't mind that he's uncut. i like it! it's like a little sweater!
a cock doensn't need a sweater! especially a skin sweater! wtf.
That's like some buffalo bill hannibal lector shit.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize