At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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