see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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