Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
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