You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Randomize
