well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
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