I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
