I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
Randomize
