You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
