This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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