youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
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