he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
Four minutes until I can fart!
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
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