ya dads aren't the best wingmen
i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
