Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
