dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
Randomize
