I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
