So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
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