ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
