I am in a vortex of obligation.
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
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