JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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