Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize
