Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
i need some magic done to my vagina
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
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