I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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