Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
