Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
You can't motorboat a personality
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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