did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
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