he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
