I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Randomize
