Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
