Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Randomize
