Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
We're too hungover to prance.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
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