there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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