i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
