If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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