I molested 6 butterflies tonight
Those balls look pretty dangerous.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
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