Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
