Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize