You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
