my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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