Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
