dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
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