My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize
