i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
