My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
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