The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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