Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Randomize
