When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Randomize
