of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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