I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
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