awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Randomize
