i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
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