did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
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