How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Randomize
