I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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