The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
